2003-12-08 - 11:10 p.m.
So I haven't been updating here like I planned too. Won't make any excuses because honestly they are all somewhat pathetic now. Suffering from the same problems that I always do, mainly financial and just worn out from living in a state of constant crisis. Too draining to have your radar on defensive mode all the time, frankly that and this roller coaster weather around my hometown plus Christmas holidays just leave me wanting to do nothing more than stay in bed, read a book and drink coffee or tea all day. Seeing as the above will interfere with my work schedule, I have to restrict my cooling off and recharge time to the moment when I am the most tired. Ah well, at least the kiddo is going to sleep at a decent hour ha ha.
Just wanted to give a virtual hug for a friend of mine who is having some serious family problems now. Not going to elaborate on who out of respect for her, but I suspect she knows who she is. Hon, I hope that it all shakes out soon, or at the very least you can find some inner peace because you and I know there is only so much you can do. If someone refuses to change or help themselves, all you can do is refuse to tolerate their ill behavior, or flat out ignore them. I speak from too much experience unfortunately. I just hope you don't get stuck having to be the one to fix it all. See, I did that here in regards to my own family situation and all it did was make me look like the bad guy. Eventually, I just had to stop it as much as I could, because I was in a constant no win situation. All the pressure finally led me to have to take some drastic measures to insure my sanity and my life. Maybe someday I will explain it all, but sorry to go off topic. I will pray for you and I will pray that somehow the persons causing you distress have their eyes opened to their own culpability and do something about. You will always have a shoulder to cry on and an ear opened should you need it. You stuck up for me and listened to me and comforted me for all my tribulations and I want to say I appreciate it. Good luck hon!
I got another lovely card from another good friend of mine, this one for my birthday. Thank you :) You really made my day!
Went through some old emails and found some stories my friends have written a couple or so years back, plus a site where I published some early fan fic work. I found it comforting in an odd way, remembering how the three of us met through a mutual love of Homicide (and our various crushes lol)! Their fic made me want to try to get into writing again, albeit I still have my moments of doubt despite critical applauds from my pals ha ha. Well hell, I am my worst critic. Anyhow, I looked over their intreprations of characters and even my own character and it was fun. Made me wish we all weren't so burdened by real life so we could all could set the mistakes that Fontana made lol. I myself find it hard to carry on, the self doubt is back in spades but that is no surprise. I cannot think of a long term period in my life where I liked myself in anyway. I know I have to change my mindset but it gets hard to care when you feel no one in the immediate area does. Ah well....It is funny, but I created this character because I wanted one of the guy's to have a real love interest to counter the screwed up relationship he endured on HLOTS. I find myself turning her into a harder, colder person than I wanted to, but somehow it just progressed that way. Another bizarre thing is that after I watched the first few episodes of The Wire, I realized that wait a minute, s he is so totally perfect for this character. Which leads me to think that it would be cool to do a HLOTs/Wire crossover even though there is really no way in many aspects those shows universes would cross over, but anyhow. I just can't find the motivation to do it, awful lot of work for just sharing with three friends. I couldn't link it to where anyone else could read it. I learned my lesson from the 2001 (or was it 2000?) Homicon contest. I am not one of the "in crowd" so even if I someone won, I would be criticized to the hilt so why bother? Yet part of me wants to show others what I did, hoping one of the bigshots at Blown Deadline will like what I say and give me a job. HA, yeah pipe dream there. Oh well, considering I never done the dang piece, it is immaterial.
Anyhow, I am going to sleep now. Child hit the hay before she could take her bath or finish her reading homework so it is an early morning for us. Ugh!
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